Today is Amber�s 30th birthday. Just another of life�s milestones that she never got to see. I went for a walk last night shortly after midnight. I often find solace in walking through the quiet night where I can get lost in my own thoughts or speak aloud to Amber without anyone looking at me like I�ve lost my mind.
She never got to tell me how she always held it together so perfectly. Where she found the strength to push on and succeed in everything she tried her hand at. Nor was she able to tell me how she maintained elegance and poise through it all. I really wish she had.
I tell myself that if she had, then this would all be easier. Life would be easier with a living, walking, talking example of �How-to� around for reference. It would be easier with someone to talk to whose understanding and patience seemed limitless.
I cannot pretend that a part of me didn�t die with her as a result of that tragic accident because it did. And what�s worse is that I think I was lying to myself more than anyone else about it. I didn�t want to believe I was such a weak person that my whole life was balanced so delicately that taking a single support source could cause it all to fall apart so easily. I didn�t realize how much I relied on her for so many things. My own sanity for one. I used to think I had it all figured out, but the more I try to steer back to where I want to be� the more I realize I was further from it then I was ever comfortable to admit. So now I am driving towards a path in life that I�ve never actually traveled. Merely one that I saw Amber on through a small window as an onlooker of her life. I think many of us were simply onlookers of Amber�s life. And it was a privilege to be that.
I miss her so much, and constantly question myself for still feeling this much pain over losing her. Should I have moved on already? Because I don�t know how. I don�t know how to let go of something that was such a significant part of me. Not just my life� but my actual self. I feel lost in a way that most people can never comprehend because I grew up with this amazing person who was always there as my rock in life. My constant. My life-support in so many ways. And she�s been it for so long that in ways she became a vital part of me that to remove it should have been fatal for me. In some ways I believe it was.
So here on her 30th birthday, she is the focus of my attention, not entirely different from most other days� but certainly without distraction today. I love her, I miss her, I want her back. I want her here with me. I want to hug her one more time. I want to hear her laugh. Most of all, I want to feel like a whole person again.
I Love You Amber Sunshine!